Updated October 29, 2018

It’s been a blast going through old writing. A little cringe-worthy but beautiful to see the growth I’ve made. In my tone, style and beliefs. I’ve grown firming in my beliefs. As I read this post again (published back in November 2015), I thought “Wouldn’t it be fun to rewrite this and see how it turns out?” So here’s an update. Same post, different voice. 

I’m daydreaming. I’m thinking of the laundry list of to-do’s I have. I’m thinking of the report I just turned in. I’m thinking of the report I will be turning in next week. I’m thinking about what I need to buy for dinner. I’m thinking about how I’ve been bad with money. Or may I’m not thinking of anything. Maybe I’m simply just being.

But then why do I keep getting the same questions. Is everything alright? You seem off today. You don’t seem like yourself today. Smile! Oh that last one is the worst, don’t tell me to smile.

I’ve always identified as an extrovert. Someone that feeds off the energy of others, afraid to be alone with my thoughts, and always in the middle of the hustle and bustle. The life of the party. The pulse. But also at times, the annoying one. The too-high-energy one. The one that doesn’t stop talking.

My sister on the other hand has always identified as an introvert. Getting her energy from time alone, more reserved, quieter. Much more thoughtful about the words she says. Because at the end of the day, our words are incredibly powerful. They reflect who we are, what we believe in, what we hold true.

This world wasn’t built for introverts. Unfair, I agree. But true. We sit at group tables in kindergarten. Interviews, where you are meant to show your true self, are tipped in favor of bubbly, personable candidates. Those who have the energy to be high energy with strangers.

But you know what, being an extrovert sucks. When the world is so used to your high energy, they expect you to be happy and smiling all the time. Now that’s just unfair. We all have days when we cannot fully express our emotions. Nor should we be expected to. But extroverts, you’re held to this higher standard. You’re expected to be bubbly, personable all the time because that’s what people know you for. You stand out in the room and therefore in people’s minds, you always should.

It’s frustrating to be asked what’s wrong when I’m simply just thinking, or not thinking. I understand, people ask because they care. Because they know how high energy you can be and want you to be that happy. But sometimes, the happiest people are hiding the most pain. Stars shine brightest right before they explode.

So this is a reminder to everyone in the world to let each other feel, or not feel. To allow each other the space to not play into the roles they identify with. To allow each other to experience a range of emotions and not be questioned.

Published November 5, 2015

Whether you are reading this from an introvert or extrovert’s perspective, there’s something here for you. Being an extrovert is hard. Of course it has all its perks like making friends easily or making a good first impression. But it absolutely sucks sometimes. My sister is an introvert and I am an extrovert and we have learned so much just by being in each other’s presence. We learn how to interact, how to best communicate our feelings and thoughts to each other, and what to be more aware of. All our actions, thoughts, and conversations are rooted in our extroversion and introversion. She taught me how to slow down and be aware of how I act. Instead of bouncing off the walls all the time, being really friendly (which trust me, will come off fake if you do it all the time), and constantly only saying things that you know will appease other people, I’ve started to recognize my habits and try to change my ways. That’s good right? Well here’s the not so good part.

Because you’re usually full of energy when you’re with people and usually very expressive, people just expect you to be happy all the time. And even when you’re neutral, people think something is wrong and are inclined to ask you “Is everything all right?” or “You seem off today.” or “You just aren’t yourself today.” Well, you know what, we can’t always be happy or smiling all the time. I’m sick of people asking me what is wrong because I’m not AS chippy as I usually am. I’m sick of people thinking I’m mad at them or something just because I’m being quiet and observant. I’m sick of having to explain to people that I’m just thinking. Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate it when people tell me I light up a room when I walk in or that I bring such happy energy with me. But it’s draining being asked “What’s wrong?” all the time. Nothing is wrong. That’s it. Well I mean I guess now there is something wrong because I am just getting so sick and tired of people thinking I’m being rude when I simply just want a moment to myself, to my thoughts. A smile goes a long way but let’s face it, no one can do it all the time.

Fast forward: I just got off the phone with my sister. And I feel a thousand times better. As frustrating as it was, she made me recognize what the root of my frustration came from. I was frustrated that people were accusing me of being moody and not like myself. Frankly I don’t know myself well enough yet so there’s no way anyone knows me enough to know what I really am like “when I am myself.” She made a good point and now I see it, most of the people asking me “What’s wrong?” are coming from a place a love. They genuinely care and want to make sure I’m okay. I guess I’m just really frustrated hearing that I’m not me. Because I am. I am me. No one in the world, not even my sister, can tell me who I am because that’s my job. She always makes me feel so much better. It’s reassuring to hear that she went through this when she studied in Copenhagen. I’m getting over that honeymoon phase here in Madrid (as you can see from my recent posts). Not everything is always going to be exciting, happy, and good. Being sad is okay.

She left me with a quote that I want to write down: “In order to heal, you first must feel.” It’s okay to feel sad. Not even to feel sad, but it’s okay to just not feel happy. I don’t need to be happy all the time. I know that now. I don’t need to convince people that I’m happy all the time because I’m not. Soon they’ll realize that nothing is wrong. I’m just being neutral and thinking. Think about it, if I was happy all the time wouldn’t that come off fake? Let me be sad or even just neutral. I promise nothing is wrong but thank you for asking. Just don’t tell me that “I’m not being myself” because honestly you don’t know me well enough to make that kind of statement. I don’t anyone in the world well enough to make that statement, not even to my sister. She could be dealing with something in her head that I am just not apart of. Our emotions are rooted in so many different things. You just have to allow yourself to feel them.