Space. Release. Pieces. Tough. Hurt. Home. Truths.

I find that often when I write on my blog, I write with an audience in mind. The tone, as authentic as the content is, is written with a larger audience in mind. But this piece (with the exception of these words) is written from my heart to my head. I’m writing and writing, nearly nonstop, to capture everything my heart is saying to me. I haven’t made any edits, I haven’t proofread it. It’s raw, it’s painful but it’s my Truth.

1. We all deserve to take up Space in this world
2. To Release isn’t to give up but rather to gain the strength to see the beauty, not the pain
3. The best version of ourselves can include Pieces of our past selves
4. We’re all simply Human, doing the best we can with the resources we’ve got
5. You don’t owe it to anyone to prove just how Tough you are
6. When someone tells you you’ve Hurt them, you don’t get to decide you didn’t
7. There’s running away and there’s running towards, the difference is Home
8. I owe it to myself to define, not just discover, my Truths

1. We all deserve to take up Space in this world

I fear taking up space. I feel as though I don’t deserve to take up space. I shy away from large groups, find my body twisted in awkward ways at social gatherings, and choose to remove myself from situations in which I feel my space takes away from others. I call it social anxiety. But it isn’t really. It’s a fear of taking up space. Fear of taking up space that I don’t believe I deserve, that wasn’t given to me, that wasn’t meant for my taking.

I get in my own head thinking that asking for help takes time away from others, detracting from their experience. I find myself asking multiple times if it’s okay for me to be here. I default to saying “no worries, I’ll figure it out” rather than working through things together because people’s time is too valuable to be wasted on working through my problems.

The one place in the world I feel comfortable taking up space is on the dance floor. When the music flows through me and I watch my feet start tapping, I find that the rest of the world melts away. Throw any music at me or even none at all, I’ll find the beat in my head and feel at home. Feel like I can take up space.

But this burn, I was confronted numerous times by my fear of taking up space. I tuned into it, not always fighting back, but recognizing that my fear of taking up space was leading. Whether it was feeling like I shouldn’t be in the same space as a partner’s ex or finding a way to drop into an already going conversation, I found discomfort in how much space I was taking up. Funny how fear can have such a strong hold on us.

But as I sat at Temple, a beautiful soul approached me leading with “You remind me of my wife. You both fear taking up space in this world yet your energy and presence is felt and needed here at Temple despite the hundreds of people here.” And to hear that from a stranger who knew nothing about me, nothing about my fears, desires, and challenges reconnected something between my heart and my head. I do deserve to take up space.

I thank the beautiful stranger who approached me. I thank him for the doors he opened for me in my heart and my head. But as I move forward, I’ve decided that the verbal affirmation that I deserve to take up space shouldn’t be coming from the outside world but from the world inside myself. I can be told all day that I deserve to take up space but until I start telling myself that, start believing myself when I say that, my fear still stands.

2. To Release isn’t to give up but rather to gain the strength to see the beauty, not the pain

I saw you as a loss. I saw you as someone I lost. And I never let it go. A year and a half later I still hadn’t let it go. As much as I convinced the rest of the world I did, I never quite convinced myself. But I wrote you a letter and it burned with the rest of the pain, loss, and hurt at Temple. And maybe, just maybe, that’s what it takes for me to let you go. I never told you how I felt, how I continued to feel all this time. But I told you in that letter. I told you everything.

And as I wrote that letter, I realized that it was the idea of you that I was holding onto. Not you. I am who I am today because of the decisions I’ve made and the paths I’ve chosen. And who knows, I may not be where I am today had we taken a different path. So, thank you. Thank you for chasing your dreams and allowing me to chase mine.

The same beautiful soul at Temple that told me I deserved to take up space in this world also told me that release is recognizing the beauty of what was and not holding onto it as a loss. What we had was beautiful at least in my eyes. I felt something cosmic, even if you didn’t. I don’t know what you felt. But I hope that you are happy with where you are now. Because I am.

I’m grateful for you, for what we had, and for the people we were. But I’m even more grateful for the people we have become because of the independent decisions we’ve made to chase our dreams, ourselves, and our own paths. That’s something beautiful, isn’t it?

Release isn’t letting go. It isn’t giving up. But rather having the strength to be thankful for what it was and what we are today because of it. I feel free. I’m flying close to the sun and chasing who I am. Thank you.

3. The best version of ourselves can include Pieces of our past selves

water doesnt simply become the sea.
it has to take on many different forms
before joining with the ocean.

and just like the raindrop,
the stream
and the river,

you are meant to become
many different people
on your way to yourself.

Do you remember when you used to bounce around college parties, meeting new people and not only jumping into conversations but leading them? Do you remember when you used to plop yourself down next to strangers at hostels and dive right into conversation? Do you remember being able to hold someone’s gaze for a long while without getting in your own head?

Elodie, your extroverted energy and comfort in your own skin is missed. It’s been a long time since the world has seen that side of you. That side of you that so strongly led you years ago to some of the most beautiful friendships, wildest adventures, and passionate conversations.

I don’t regret the growth and changes I’ve made. I don’t hate the person I am today. In fact, I love the person I am today. The deep thinking, deep feeling woman I am today. The introverted soul who finds comfort in her own head and feels recharged after time alone. The intentional being that prefers one-on-ones to large social gatherings. The builder that has been intentional about the people she surrounds herself with. These are all beautiful things. They truly are.

But there’s a part of my old selves that I miss too. The part of me that was comfortable being and even thriving in social settings. The girl that found herself reenergized when forging new friendships, learning and growing from new people. The girl that didn’t shy behind those she felt comfortable around. The girl that could hold her own in social settings. The girl that didn’t decide to stay in when her fear of taking up space overwhelmed her. The one that leaned in into unchartered territory.

As I navigate this world as who I believe to be the best version of myself, I’m wondering if the best version of myself includes pieces of my past selves. The good parts of course. The parts I was proud of. The parts that led me to make decisions that forever changed the trajectory of my life. I miss some of those parts, but this burn I realized that changing and growing into the best version of myself doesn’t mean I drop my old selves but instead find a beautiful way to weave these selves into one. We are the best version of ourselves when we bring together the best parts of our past and current selves.

4. We’re all simply Human, doing the best we can with the resources we’ve got

Sonder (n.) The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own

Mistakes are beautiful. Wounds are beautiful. They turn into scars that remind us that we are simply human. That we are all doing the best we can with the resources we’ve got. That despite all our walls, shields, and tough skins, we are all full of thoughts and emotions. We are human beings with hopes and dreams, fears and worries. We are all seeking for something greater than ourselves. We are all trying to be the best versions of ourselves with the resources we have.

When we’re stressed, when we’re under pressure, and when things are going wrong, we tend to forget that the person standing next to us is also human. That while we are consumed with these negative thoughts and emotions, they too are battling their own fears, worries, and doubts. We lose our compassion when our own stresses get in the way. We lose sight of the beauty of humanity, comradery and community.

How beautiful is it that the moment we make the switch and recognize that we are all simply human, we treat each other with such deep compassion? When we stop to realize that we are all humans with true thoughts and feelings, we push past our own pains and suffering to come together. We don’t need to know each other’s fears, worries, and doubts. We just need to recognize that we are all human. We are all human trying our best. Trying our best with the resources we’ve got.

Even with our closest friends, we sometimes forget that. We forget that we are all trying our best. We react instead of respond. We hurt without compassion and make judgements without understanding. But we too are human. We too are trying our best. But if we constantly reminded ourselves that everyone in this world is doing the same, imagine the love and comradery we would feel. A world based on empathy, compassion and understanding.

5. You don’t owe it to anyone to prove just how Tough you are

TOUGH
You don’t have to prove to anyone
just how tough you are.
You are still here,
and you are still alive despite all of life’s
storms and tornados and hurricanes.
You have weathered them all
like a grand old oak tree,
and you are still here.
You are still alive.
And if that isn’t tough, I don’t know what is.

The moment I stopped trying to prove myself to anyone but myself was the moment I felt a radical shift in myself. I’m tough as hell. I don’t need to prove that to anyone. I’ve gotten to where I am today because of the decisions I’ve made and even the mistakes I’ve made. The moment I realized I don’t always need to have it together, don’t always have to have a smile on my face was when I felt like my life restarted. The pressures of the world lifted. I’m so boldly me. All the strength, all the weaknesses. All the ambitions, all the fears. All the laughters, all the tears.

Crying in public, it’s cathartic. It’s beautiful to realize that crying is natural. Crying is your body’s way of releasing pain. And we should never be bashful about it. There isn’t a designated place to be tough nor a designated place to be weak. Society has constructed these parameters, holding us back from being our most authentic selves. And our most authentic selves include the good and the bad. We don’t owe it to society to be tough on the outside. We don’t owe it to anyone else to always have it together.

When we begin to understand and accept that we are all human, we learn that that means that we can show the pain, the sadness, the hurt anywhere. We don’t need to hide in the bathrooms or in our homes. We can follow our hearts even if that heart is currently broken. We’re tough. We’re tough as hell. And only you need to believe that about yourself.

6. When someone tells you you’ve Hurt them, you don’t get to decide you didn’t

I try so hard to not hurt others, to not get in the way, to not cause pain. To the point where I find myself in tears when I empathize. To the point where I avoid taking up space because of fear that it will take space away from someone else. I make decisions that sometimes means I don’t advocate for myself in order to protect someone else from pain. I try my best. I really do.

But when someone tells you you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to decide you didn’t. You can try and justify what you’ve done and what led you to that decision but at the end of the day, you don’t get to decide how your actions made someone else feel. You don’t get to tell someone that what you did didn’t hurt them. You aren’t in control of anyone else’s feelings, nor anyone in control of yours.

But now I’ve found myself in a place of confusion. I’ve found myself in a battle between being so boldly myself and not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings. What do you do when being your most authentic self means that your actions hurt someone else’s feelings? What do you do when being the most you you can be means sending out a playful, flirtatious energy that ends up getting misinterpreted, misread, and twisted? What do you do when in order to spare someone’s feelings you can’t be you? Where’s the line?

I’ve got this flirtatious energy about me. I know I do, I admit I do. I’ve always known it and my love language is physical touch with family, friends, and partners. I am bold about it. I am confident in it with my closest friends. But when this energy gets misinterpreted and intentions aren’t verbalized, my most authentic self ends up hurting people. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. But I’m not sorry for being so boldly me.

Just like any relationship, whether between family, friends, or partners, it’s hard work. I think about all the difficult conversations, overcoming of fears, disagreements, challenges, and struggles I’ve encountered in partnerships. It’s hard work but we put the effort into leaning into difficult conversations. We work together on overcoming fears and discomfort. And that’s what I’m looking for in friendships as well. The same willingness to challenge one another and work through the hardships.

I value my partner. I value the space he takes up in my life. But I also value the space my friends take up in my life. And it shouldn’t be that we hold our partners to a different set of standards than our friends. Our friends are also our partners in crime, our co-captains, our support. It isn’t supposed to be easy. Partnerships grow into strong roots because of the hardships sometimes and if we believe that those lows of lows and the pains should only be felt with partners then we aren’t building real, ride-or-die friendships. We’re simple building connections.

I want to experience the highest of highs and work through the lowest of lows with my family, my friends, and my partners. We’re a community, a support system, a tribe. We’re also human. We also make mistakes and as a result, sometimes hurt each other. But we humbly apologize, we open the door up for difficult conversations and work to rebuild the trust, the love and the friendship. We don’t get to decide if we’ve hurt someone or not, but we do get to decide where that relationship goes from there.

7. There’s running away and there’s running towards, the difference is Home

For the first time in my life, I understand the meaning of home. I’ve finally found a place I miss when I leave. For the first time in my life, I’ve surrounded myself with people that make me feel at home and miss home when I pack a bag and jet off.

I’ve spent a good deal of the last 5 years jetting off when things got tough. No one likes to admit they are running away from something when they’re traveling. But I’ll be the first to admit I was often running away. Running away from heartbreak, from failing friendships, from responsibilities, obligations and duties. My lack of connection to anything or anyone in particular made it easy to push past the second thoughts, the unknowns, and the fear of being out in the world alone.

I was running. Not running towards anything in particular but running away. Whether it was running away to Kenya for a year or running away to Rome for the weekend, I found myself doing a great deal of running. I wasn’t always running when I was traveling. My sister and I intentionally travel together once a year but even then, there was always something I was happily leaving behind.

It’s painful to admit because traveling is such a big part of who I am, who I have become. I’ve grown into someone I can finally be proud of because of the experiences I’ve had both at home and out in the world. I travel and post pictures as if I’m having the time of my life. And I am, most of the time. But the parts I bury are starting to surface. Recognizing that I was running, constantly running, is painful. We never want to admit we’re doing it. We never want to admit that we aren’t happy where we are. We never want to admit that we aren’t present.

But moving back to San Francisco was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. No longer connected to the people I used to call family here and with no direction in mind when I moved back, I was lucky to have a friend from college introduce me to the people he has found community in. And I couldn’t be more grateful. What initially felt like a need to drop in and fit into a community turned into something more beautiful. It turned into the creation of my own community. It turned into the realization that community isn’t something to just be a part of but something to be created. And while all our communities overlap, some in big ways and some in small, we create our own communities. We forge our own connections and define our own communities for ourselves.

For the first time in a long time, I no longer feel the need to run away. I no longer feel like jetting off to run away but instead to run towards new adventures. And what an incredible change in mindset that has been.

8. I owe it to myself to define, not just discover, my Truths

For the first time in my life, I’m taking an active role in driving the direction of my life. I’m actively defining, not just discovering, not just stumbling across, my Truths. I’m deciding what I love, what I believe to be true, and what is worth keeping and/or bringing into my life. And what I’ve written here are my Truths. The things I believe with my entire heart, mind, body, and soul. The things I still sometimes need to remind myself of but ultimately the things I call my Truths.

We owe it to ourselves to actively define what we want our world to look like. We owe it to ourselves to be the most authentic us we can be. We owe it to ourselves and no one else. We are a collection of beautiful souls, 93% stardust with people names. What makes us so much more than that stardust and those people names is our ability to define Truth. It’s our ability to make our world, the physical world we see and the cosmic world we feel, the way we want.

We can move our bodies on the dance floor or move our bodies across borders. We can sit with our fears and doubts or we can chase after growth edges and push bounds. We’re in the driver seat of our lives. We’ve each got beautiful souls in the passenger seat and backseat, keeping us awake, supporting us through the nights and always rooting for us. They’re our co-captains, partners in crime, ride-or-dies. How lucky are we?

Thank you, Burning Man, for giving me the space, the time and the clarity to define my Truths.